


You know my pain

by Orangepenguin24



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:02:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29769018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orangepenguin24/pseuds/Orangepenguin24
Summary: A young grieving Matt finds himself as the new firefighter on truck 81, but things get off to a rocky  start as the members of 51 are mourninga loss of their own. Is Matt destined to be an outsider forever or will a certain squad  lieutenant take the blonde under his wing?
Relationships: Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide
Comments: 15
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi,
> 
> This is set in season one but I’ve changed quite a few things, the main change being Matt didn’t go to the academy with Kelly and Andy. 
> 
> I’ve got quite a few stories on the go but I found myself hitting a brick wall. All my stories are pretty similar and I thought it would be good to try something a little different. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Matt took a deep breath as he studied the large building in front of him, firehouse fifty-one. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and head back home. But then what would he do, spend the rest of the day staring at the tv or drinking away the hours in the first bar he stumbled on. No this was his only way forward. Being a firefighter was the only purpose he had. Unfortunately that didn’t change the fact moving to a new station felt like an act of betrayal. He’d ignored his sister when she said he was moving on too fast but now he was starting to wonder if she was right.  
“Matthew Casey?” A voice called pulling him out of his thoughts. He turned to see a tall man approaching him, the badges on his uniform a clear indication he was his new chief.  
“Yes sir”,  
“Wallace Boden” Introduced the man as he held out his hand which Matt quickly accepted,  
“Nice to meet you” forced out Matt, he knew if he wanted a chance at returning to firefighting he had to appear in control. Boden seemed polite but Matt didn’t really care, he didn’t want to be joining a new house, he wanted his old crew back. Six months ago his life had been perfect he had finally felt like he’d belonged somewhere and now he was back to having no one. Maybe things were better off that way at least he couldn’t hurt anyone else.  
“Likewise , come on let’s get inside”,With that Boden lead him inside the large station. The house wasn’t too different from his old one apart from the squad rig that sat beside the truck engine. He’d heard a lot about squad over the years ; he knew how arrogant some of them could be and he silently vowed right then to keep out of their way. He didn’t want any trouble he only wanted to find a way to get through the day.

As they walked down the halls Matt was thankful the people they passed were in too much of a rush to pay attention to him. It was coming to the end of their shift and they were as eager to get home as Matt was for this day to be over. Joining a new house was always tough, people had their own routines and own ways of doing things meaning they didn’t always take kindly to newcomers. Things were only made worse by the fact his predecessor had been died on a call. Being the new person in a grieving house was never pleasant. He was a replacement nobody would want him there. It didn’t matter too much to Casey he planned to keep to himself anyway. He didn’t need anyone else.

Eventually they reached a large office and Boden ushered him inside. He hesitantly sat down in the chair opposite the mahogany desk. A knot formed in his stomach as he waited for the older man to speak. When Boden’s eyes swept over him he suddenly felt like a naughty child being called into the principals office.  
“It’s good to have you here Casey, I’m assuming you were informed about why there’s an empty spot on truck”. Matt frowned at the man’s solemn tone.  
“Yes sir, I’m sorry for your loss”, his words hollow and made his stomach churn, he knew how little comfort they offered especially when coming from someone you barely knew.  
“Thank you, I just wanted to warn you that everyone is still healing. It’s not going to be the warmest of welcomes”.  
“I don't need a warm welcome Chief, I just want to do my job”, the words tumbled out of Matt’s mouth before he could stop himself. When a sympathetic smile appeared on the man’s face Matt felt panic bubbling up inside of him. He’d only been there less than five minutes and he’d already snapped. Much to his surprise instead of reprimanding him the chief continued on in a quiet voice,  
“But they’re not the only people healing are they ?” Replied Boden knowingly. Matt barely resisted the urge to let out a groan, of course he’d known any decent chief would bring it up eventually but a small part of him had hoped he’d end up working under someone who didn’t care. He’d had chiefs like that in the past, they didn’t give a damn about him the only thing that had mattered to them was that he turned up and did exactly what he was supposed to. Matt had a horrible feeling that Boden had a much more hands on approach. He watched as Boden clasped both of his hands and leaned in closer,  
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?”  
“This is where I need to be”. As his words lingered in he air Matt knew he couldn’t give Boden time to think about turning him away.  
“I passed all my assessments, I even agreed to attend counselling once a week. Chief Boden I promise I wont let you down. I’m a good firefighter... getting back to work is the only thing that has felt right in months” the last part was uttered in a voice barely above a whisper. Matt was surprised by his own confession, he hadn’t said that many words to anyone in months. The chief took another long look at him before offering him a small smile,  
“I believe you Matt and I think you’ll fit right in here”.

After his discussion with Boden Matt found himself standing in the empty locker room staring at the locker that was now his. There was an uneasy feeling in his chest as he tried to force himself to move. Opening it felt like invading someone’s privacy, Boden had told him it was empty but that didn’t make him feel any better.  
“You know it won’t open if you stare at it”, Matts head snapped towards the newcomer, a man with dark hair who looked around the same age as him. When the man tilted his head in amusement Matt felt the tightness in his chest ease. The man shot him a questioning look and Matt realised with a stab of embarrassment that he was waiting for him to say something.  
“Sorry I was uh I was-”  
“Andy’s not coming back, it’s no used to him anymore” remarked the man cutting off his stuttering. So much for appearing in control thought Matt. Not wanting to make an even bigger fool of himself Matt gave a gentle nod before forcing himself to open the locker. Hurriedly Matt started placing his belongings inside. A few moments later he closed the door only to find the man still looking at him. When the silence in the room became suffocating Matt opened his mouth to ask what his problem was ; before he could get his words out the man walked away leaving him alone again. Matt slumped down on the bench in the middle of the room , It certainly was going to be an interesting shift.


	2. Introductions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt was doing just fine on his own, he didn’t need anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again, hope you enjoy this chapter I’m just sorry it’s a little short.

Matt carded his hand through his hair in an attempt to compose himself. He wasn’t entirely sure where to go it wasn’t like he could hide in the locker room all day , back in his old house he would’ve hidden away in his office ; now all he had a was a bed in the bunk room. He couldn’t head to the common room for fear of bumping into the strange man he’d met minutes ago. The awkward encounter with the dark haired man had been a stark reminder that he was better off keeping to himself.   
“Don’t worry about Kelly” commented a soft voice surprising Matt for the second time that day. He desperately needed to get his focus back if he wanted to make a good impression. Matt looked up to see a blonde woman offering him a comforting smile. Casey furrowed his eyebrows together as he mulled over her words. The woman seemed to notice his confusion as she continued on,  
“Kelly Severide the man who was just in here”   
“Oh” mumbled Matt realising she’d been stood their watching him the entire time, she was probably only talking to him out of pity.   
“He’s a good guy but he can be ass sometimes, you must be the new firefighter I’m Shay I’m a paramedic on ambulance 61”.   
“Matt Casey” ,  
“Hey why don’t I show you around before everyone else arrives”.   
“You uh you don’t have to do that” replied Matt an uneasy feeling rising in his chest, she seemed like a lovely person but Matt really didn’t feel like making polite conversation for any longer than he had to.  
“Come on it’s no bother” Her tone was light and cheery but there was something about the look in her eyes that told Matt she wasn’t going to give in. Casey supposed it couldn’t hurt to know his way around, a tour might even help him find somewhere to hide away.   
“Ok then if you don’t mind”, her smile grew even wider which Matt hadn’t believed was even possible.   
“Great, let me put my stuff away and then I’ll give you the grand tour”. As he waited for her deafening thoughts whirled around his head. He was only being polite, he wasn’t moving on he reasoned to himself when a fresh wave of guilt washed over him. He wasn’t betraying the closest thing he’d ever had to family. 

Matt listened intently to Shay as she lead him around the firehouse while recounting many different stories from her time at fifty one. By the time they reached the briefing room he felt like he already knew everyone. Much to his relief they took a seat towards the back and thankfully no one appeared to notice them.   
“So Which house did you transfer from?” Shay asked after a few moments of silence.   
“Uh it’s not uh local” replied Matt earning a puzzled look from the paramedic. He supposed there was no harm in elaborating a little, after all it was only him and Shay.  
“It was a firehouse in New York” he admitted quietly. He didn’t understand why but he already found himself trusting the paramedic.   
“You don’t sound like a New Yorker” chipped in an older man turning around to face them and Matt felt his stomach twist. Matt internally berated himself for not realising people would be listening in. The more people who knew he was from a house in New York the higher chance there was of people discovering what had happened. It was bad enough Boden knew as much as he did. He sighed when he realised Shay and the other firefighter would still be waiting for an answer so he swallowed past the lump in his throat and opened his mouth,   
“I’m not, I moved there when I turned eighteen”   
“What brought you back to Chicago?” inquired Shay gently. Matt nervously chewed his bottom lip as he racked his brain for the right words. He wasn’t even sure he knew the answer. He could’ve moved to a different state after what happened in New York but instead he’d returned home. When he was younger he’d vowed he would never return home yet Chicago was the first place he’d thought of when everything went wrong. Sometimes he told himself he moved back to make amends with his mother and sister but he’d been back in Chicago for five months   
and he still hadn’t told them.  
“I missed it too much to stay away any longer” lied Matt, they didn’t need to his messed up past. Shay sent him a questioning look and for a few seconds Matt was sure she was going to press further until a reassuring smile flashed across her face and she began talking about a recent call.

Matt tried to focus on the conversation between Shay and the other firefighter he now knew as Mouch but something else was catching his attention. He could feel a pair of eyes boring into the back of his head, he tried his best to ignore it but as time ticked by he could feel his patience slipping away. Slowly he turned his head and immediately anger bubbled up inside his chest when his eyes landed on Kelly. The man was staring at him just like he had in the locker room. Matt sent him a venomous glare causing the corners of the man’s mouth to quirk upwards. Casey shifted uncomfortably in his chair resisting the urge to storm over to the other man, Kelly had barely said a word to him but he was already getting underneath Matt’s skin. Matt was forced to put aside his anger when Boden entered the room. He listened to the chief with a lump in his throat as Boden filled them in with the latest news. When the man looked in his direction Matt struggled to resist the urge to sink down in his seat.  
“Id like to introduce our new firefighter Matthew Casey, I trust you’ll make him feel welcome”, the blonde could barely hear the chiefs words over the sound of his heart pounding violently. Before he could start to worry about the many people gawking at him Boden’s deep voice echoed through the room.   
“I know things have been tough these last few weeks but right the only thing we can do is look out for each other”. Matt wished the older man would mention the elephant in the room, everyone knew he was Andy’s replacement he didn’t see the point in avoiding it.   
“Briefing over for today, Casey hang back”. Before disappearing Shay placed a hand tentatively on his shoulder,   
“See you later Matt, don’t hesitate to come find me if you need anything”.  
“Thank you Shay” he responded as the blonde exited the now nearly empty room. Matt looked back towards Boden who was talking to a shorter grey haired man.   
“Casey I’d like you to meet Lieutenant Christopher Hermann”  
“Good to-“ a loud speaker cut off Matt’s words and before Casey knew it he and Hermann were racing towards truck 81, as he sat down in the back of the fire truck trepidation coursing through his veins for the first time in months Matt felt truly alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved Matt’s and Shay’s friendship I just wish we had more scenes of them together. 
> 
> Don’t worry the next chapter will have more action in it. 
> 
> Thank you for reading :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed, thank you for reading:)
> 
> Have an awesome day.


End file.
